Old Spinnster
Written by JokerOn her 70th birthday, an old spinnster decides it's time to finnaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:
"Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"
The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.
She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"
The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"
Mannequin Pissing on People
Written by JokerFamily Reunion
Written by JokerThree old ladies driving to a family reunion discoverd they had a problem. All three husbands had the same name - LeRoy. The driver came up with an idea of naming their husbands after a soft drink. The other ladies thought this was a wonderful idea. The driver went first and said she would name hers mountain dew, he was big as a mountain and could dew it all not long, the passenger in the front seat said "I am going to name mine after 7up, he has 7 inches and is up all night long". The third lady thought for a while and said " I am going to name mine Jim Beam" The driver looked at her and said girl, that is not a soft drink that's a hard licker, the girl in the back said "Thats my man".
Together Again
Written by JokerAgnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
Girl Hanging Picture
Written by JokerFacts About Lunch
Written by JokerA little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Tooooooo Long
Written by JokerA man goes to a doctor because he thinks his penis is simply way too long. It makes it hard to get into clothes comfortably; it sometimes scares the ladies too. It also seems to impair his speech.
After his consultation and exam, the doctor schedules him for surgery to shorten his penis a remarkable seven inches, leaving seven in place.
The patient says, " Dddoctor, ddo yyyooou tthhink I willll bbbe hhapppy aafterr tthhe ssssurggery?"
The doctor assures him he'll find the normal life easier to deal with and the surgery is performed.
But at the post-operative visit, the patient says, "Doctor, I can't believe I lost my studder since the surgery! It is remarkable. But, I have to say I do miss the extra length! Is there anyway you could re-attach what you took off?"
"Nnnooooo wwwaaayyyyy!," replied the doctor!
Guys Trying to Concentrate
Written by JokerButler
Written by JokerA wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay at the party, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."
He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
Super Market Checkout
Written by JokerA woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."
As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"