Goodnight Kiss
Written by JokerOne night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't!"
Him: "I beg you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
Sharp Old Lady
Written by JokerA man was very happy with himself after just having plastic surgery. On his way to work, he spotted a very attractive blonde woman. He asked her how old she thought he was, to which she replied, "About 23?" The man was astonished. He began explaining that he was actually 43 years of age. 5 minutes later, he arrived at MacDonald's and decided to have a little snack before work. Waiting in the line was another very attractive woman and he asked her how old she thought he was to which she replied, "About 20?" The man was amazed how well the plastic surgery had worked and started to explain that he was actually 43! Before getting back in the car to go to work, he decided to ask an old woman how old she thought he was. "I cannot see that well, dear, but i can tell how old you are by putting my hand down your pants and gently massaging your penis." So, he let the old woman do her trick. After 5 minutes the woman said: "You're 43." "That's amazing," The man replied,"How did you do it?" "I was standing behind you in the MacDonald's queue" She replied.
Piss Test
Written by JokerOne day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Anniversary
Written by JokerAn old couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in the diner where they had their first date.
The wife says to her husband "do you remember when we came here all those years ago?"
"Yes" he relpies "and we went out to the alley way and had sex."
"Yes" she says "do you want to do it again?"
"O.K." he replies so they finish their meal and go out round the back of the diner.
He pushes her against the fence and lifts her skirt up and starts going at it like a wild one. A young man stops to watch. He is amazed to see how the old man can still go for it at his age. After 45 mins they finish and the wife returns to the diner.
The young man says, "How did you keep it goin for 45 minutes at your age? I hope I can do that when I am 80!"
"Well" says the old man, "50 years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
Sperm Bank
Written by JokerA man walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, he demands that the woman at the counter "take it out". "We have no money sir, this is a sperm bank", she replies. "I don't care" says the robber, "take it out and drink it down!", he damands. Scared for her life she drinks down a sperm sample. "Do it again" the angry robber yells, and the woman complies. Taking off his mask the woman realizes it's her husband... he looks her in the eye and says "see I told you it wasn't so bad".
Mama
Written by JokerMaria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
Horny Older Man
Written by JokerThere was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose." "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."
Unga Bunga
Written by JokerOnce there were three scientists who were walking in the woods. They were searching for butterflys. While they were sleeping that night a tribe captured them and put them in a tent. The first guy wakes up and sees the tribe cheif with a spear he says: Death or Unga Bunga? The first guy says: Unga bunga because I don't want to die! So they take him away. Unga Bunga is a guy with a ten foot long dick and he sticks it up the other guys butt for ten seconds and then the second guy wakes up and he sees the first guy come staggering back saying: Pick death! Pick death! But the guy doesn't believe him so he picks Unga Bunga. And then the same thing happens to him. Then the third guy wakes up and see the guy staggering back saying: Pick Death! So the guy figues that what the heck? And he picks death and then the chief says: Death! by Unga Bunga!
Elderly Couple
Written by JokerA couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
Bike
Written by JokerA 13 year old boy came home all happy. His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?" "Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly. The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home. When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!" The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs. He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him. The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted." They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied, "Nah dad my bum is still sore."