Sexy Girl in Train
Written by JokerVoodoo Penis
Written by JokerA certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.
One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.
The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.
She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"
Orange Penis
Written by JokerA man awoke one morning and he noticed he had an orange penis. Mistified by this he tested it, making sure everything was fine, and it was. So he ignored it and went to work. While in the urinal a friend looked over and seemed very suprised. His friend said, "Dude! What happened, doesn't that hurt?!" He said, "Nope, i just woke up and it was like that." His friend replied, "You should get that looked at." So after the man got done with work he went to the doctor. The doctor asked, "This is a special case, what exactly did you do this weekend?" The man said, "Not much, just ate cheetos and watched pornos..."
Girl Forgot Her Panties
Written by JokerBear and Hunter
Written by JokerThere once was a hunter who went bear hunting with a shotgun. He saw a bear, fired and missed. The bear grabbed him and raped him. He was real mad, so he left to purchase an M-16 and came back. He saw the same bear, fired and missed. The bear raped him again. By this time he was furious, so he bought a rocket launcher. He went into the woods, found the bear, and fired. As several trees were falling to the ground behind him, the bear put it's hands on it's hips and said, "You're not here for the huntin', are you?"
Goodnight Kiss
Written by JokerOne night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't!"
Him: "I beg you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
Man with Snake and Ladies
Written by JokerSharp Old Lady
Written by JokerA man was very happy with himself after just having plastic surgery. On his way to work, he spotted a very attractive blonde woman. He asked her how old she thought he was, to which she replied, "About 23?" The man was astonished. He began explaining that he was actually 43 years of age. 5 minutes later, he arrived at MacDonald's and decided to have a little snack before work. Waiting in the line was another very attractive woman and he asked her how old she thought he was to which she replied, "About 20?" The man was amazed how well the plastic surgery had worked and started to explain that he was actually 43! Before getting back in the car to go to work, he decided to ask an old woman how old she thought he was. "I cannot see that well, dear, but i can tell how old you are by putting my hand down your pants and gently massaging your penis." So, he let the old woman do her trick. After 5 minutes the woman said: "You're 43." "That's amazing," The man replied,"How did you do it?" "I was standing behind you in the MacDonald's queue" She replied.
Piss Test
Written by JokerOne day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.